Who doesn’t love a funny kid story? Before you read on, there’s a questionnaire you’ll need to fill out:
- Are you a Dad?
- Do you know a Dad?
- Can you spell Dad?
If you answered yes to any of these, then keep reading, because I’ll bet you can relate to the stories I’m about to share. If you get queasy easily, then leave now, or forever hold your peace. You’ve been warned….
Funny Kid Stories of a Vomit-Filled Past
Wow, you’re still here? Well done! Onto the funny stories! Allow me to tell you the Tales of the Vomit. No, it’s not an episode title from Mystery Science Theater 3k (though it should be). What dad out there hasn’t been thrown-up on at some point in their time caring for the young germ factories? Whether a little boy or little girl, the vomit will come.
You see, your little girl doesn’t care if you’re having the best day of your life, if you’re a celebrity, or if you’re at a Presidential Dinner (if the last one is you, then shoot me an email the next time you need a plus-one); if kid’s tummies are upset, the vomit will come. And BOY, does it come.
I’ve watched this happen too many times. My wife is a sympathy-hurler, so she can’t help much with the kids when the vomit-fairy is in town. All I can think is “where have you been storing all of this, and WHY IS IT RED??” (Red velvet cupcakes, that’s why.)
I’ll be sharing some short stories below from other TravelingDads, as well as sharing a video of Ne-Yo, an American singer/songwriter/producer and fellow dad-vomit-sufferer, as they reveal their embarrassing and hilarious public puke stories.
I Learned the Hard Way Why They Say Toddlers Hurl…
There we were, the whole family having a wonderful night out at a restaurant on the top floor of The Bahrain Mall. We were in Bahrain for two years because my wife is in the United States Military, and the whole family got to come along. It was a wonderful time, and the memories were mostly amazing, apart from this one, which is mostly gross, but has an important lesson…
My son, John Jr (Jay) was around 4 years old at the time, and he and I had completed our meal. While waiting for my wife and little girl to finish their meal, I started to mess around with Jay, and he started to giggle. Children’s giggles are quite possibly more infectious than anything on the planet, and like any self-respecting dad, I wanted MORE GIGGLES. So, I picked him up, and turned him upside down, which up until this point had led to more giggling…
Not my brightest decision. I cannot un-hear the giggle vomit, as every bit of flatbread, hummus, shawarma and whatever else random he had that night went all over him, and all over me. For his first time hurling, he did pretty well.
Coincidently, adjacent to the restaurant where this occurred, was a sporting goods store. Being in the Middle East, futbol (soccer) jerseys were scattered throughout, and I allowed my son to pick out “anything in the store” to replace his clothes that were about to be thrown into the closest rubbish bin I could find.
He happily finds a deep red jersey and matching shorts sporting the Manchester United logo, and he’s been a fan ever since. If you’ve spent any time outside of the US, you may be used to the fact that many, if not all, of the credit card machines in the Middle East and Europe are portable. The nice clerk brought over the machine and I handed him my card without thinking much as I worked to get my son out of the nastiest clothes I’d handled in a while.
We walk back into the restaurant where my wife and daughter are waiting, and my son is beaming in his new futbol kit. After making sure my son was happy, my wife asked me the price and I told her I hadn’t even looked. It was 35 Bahraini Dinar. It costs about $2.67 to get you 1 Dinar. So, my son had just gotten himself an $80 outfit, at 4 years old. Dads out there, be careful where and when you tickle your kids, because it could just lead to bankruptcy.
When Kids Puke, Fly Business Class Afterwards
“On a 12 hour layover in Osaka a few years ago, we decided to head into the city and visit their amazing aquarium. After a long train ride and an even longer line to buy tickets, we finally made it inside. Within 15 minutes, my 8-year-old said he wasn’t feeling well. We went through a door towards the service elevator hoping to find a bathroom or trash can, but it was too late. As soon as we made it through the door, he threw up all over the floor.
“Fast forward a few hours and he made a repeat performance at the airport in the passport control line. At least the second time he made it to a garbage can. After sleeping 13 hours in business class, he was all better and ready to play on the beach during our 11 hour layover in LA.”
Children Throw Up on Celebrities Too!
Traveling Mom Kim Orlando had a chance to interview dad-of-4 Ne-Yo, who also happens to be a singer with multiple #1 songs, and 12 Top 10 songs. But, just like all the other dads out there, NO ONE is safe from a child with an upset stomach… (The vomit stories start at 4:56.)
If Your First Instinct is to Catch your Kid’s Vomit, You’re Not Alone
Traveling Dad Tim Burns heroism is retold as below:
“We went on a family outing to the movie theater to see FROZEN. In the middle of the movie my 4-year old daughter says she is not feeling well than proceeds to begin hurling in my lap. I have to use my body as a shield as projectile vomit is flying through the air to avoid getting it on the people around us while making our way to the exit from the middle of the top row of a pitch black theater.
“My wife goes to pull the car around to a nearby exit as I take my daughter into the men’s room to clean up as we are both covered in vomit. See horrified looks from people around us as I come running out to take her to the car with me shirtless and her stripped down to her underwear with a pile of clothes under my arm. We jump in the car and I’m yelling “go, go, go!” like we just robbed a bank. Oh the memories!” How’s that for a plot twist? Starts with a vomit story and ends with a bank robbery analogy.
If Someone with a Child Near You Asks to Be Excused…You ReallyShould Move…
Tim Burns shares another Disney related story:
“We are at Disney World and I talked my 6-year old daughter into going on the Haunted Mansion ride. She got really spooked-out and was stressing out as we got off the ride. We’re stuck in a crowd after exiting the ride and my daughter starts to look like she’s going to puke from her anxiety about the experience. I start looking for a garbage can or restroom.
“This woman is blocking our way and I politely ask her to move. The lady ignores me. I say again, ‘My daughter is about to get sick. Please let us through.’ She yells at me, ‘There are a lot of people here,’ and tells me we will have to just wait for her to get out of our way. My daughter proceeds to vomit all over the lady’s shoes, then tells me, ‘I feel much better now.'”
Even the Strongest Kid Stomachs Have a Breaking Point
Traveling Dad Tim Jones’ kids picked the perfect time for a rare upchuck:
“Now, my kids almost never vomit. Never have. But….Just bought a new SUV. Literally, on the way home from the dealership, my son hurls all over the CARPET! Not on the easily cleaned leather seats. Oh no. On the carpet! Took weeks to get that smell out.”
Sometimes, You Just Need to Burn the Tent
Traveling Dad Greg Stump did what we all would have done here.
When his son Ryan was little, he went through a phase where he had a tent instead of a bed in his room. One night while Mom was on the road he puked in the tent halfway through the night. Never woke up just slept through it. Greg tried to clean it up and decided the tent would never be the same so he got rid of it.
Good call, Greg.
Kids Always Feel Better after a Good Vomit
Lead Editor for Traveling Dad Paul Eisenburg explains why carraying a Ziploc bag, and having catlike dad reflexes, can save the day:
“Several years ago my family was about 10 minutes into a bus ride through New Jersey when my younger daughter puked.
“The cause was likely a bad meal choice beforehand, not the Garden State.
“The point is, it was only luck that led me to pack a gallon Ziploc bag in my knapsack earlier that morning. While my daughter caught the first second of puke in her hands, I was able to reach over her seat in time so that most of the vomit ended up in the bag.
“To wipe the vomit off my daughter’s hands I used a spare shirt I had packed (a navy blue Ron Jon Surf Shop long-sleeve tee, RIP, which I threw in the garbage once we got off the bus) and thanks to kind strangers handing over paper napkins, my wife and I were able to mop up most of the rest of the puke. And thanks to the Ziploc bag, I was able to largely contain the smell and mess for the duration of the ride. My daughter, of course, felt much better after puking.”
Has Your Child Thrown Up on You?
Share your stories in the comments. Has your child thrown up on coworkers? Did too much ice cream lead to an epic hurl? We’d love to hear your short funny kid stories!